Thats impossible. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. Is it that he is not happy with me.? Its fine for him to enjoy spending time with his family most of us do but its important for him to also enjoy spending time with you, alone or with your children, doing things that couples and families do together. I am sorry you're going through this , "I'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. That is the reason you got married. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. And youre tired of always doing that because his mom might think you dont know how to cook. You need to constantly work on your team-playing skills as youre not born with them. Or will he accept the fact that he overlooked your emotions? Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? Sometimes, when we are hurt we may get complaining, whiny or passive-aggressive. You should never criticize your husband for something hes done. So its time to act as such. When she says something nasty about you, he doesn't stick up for you. You can sort out your feelings by talking. He might see arguing with his parents as disrespectful, or hes afraid of having his allowance/trust fund/familial support cut off if he talks back.. What is the reason for it? While youre dealing with this issue, make your self-care an absolute priority. Help Your Husband Look at Things From A Different Perspective. Even when I have an illness, he doesn't take care of me. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously. Instead, show compassion and understanding. Hear me out on this. I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. Even if there's any wrong going on he takes his family side. That is not done. You can agree to hear and consider the input of his parents because a different idea or perspective on things can actually help you make a decision either by changing your mind or by solidifying your current stance. He said that he loved me but that was his brother they grew ip together. As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. Dont nag him or demand that he choose right away between his family and you. Fighting wont resolve the issue at hand, ever! Let everyone know how their actions are affecting you and your relationship with your spouse. Im 40 years old but my mother wont let go! Instead of arguing, try to be a team player with your husband. Being with such a man is a real struggle. He says I am the youngest among them so he willlisten to them not me. I know this is a very difficult position to be in. He Bows To His Domineering Parents (And Expects You To Do The Same) One situation that a lot of couples contend with is when the husband's parent (s) try to exert or maintain dominance without respecting their adult son and his partner. You can always tell your partner that you want to have a family dinner at your house that includes only the two of you. I didn't do any wrong there was no any mistakes but then and there he tried to clarify that there wont be any issue "Let's live together and live a peaceful life.". And lets just be clear: joining him for family gatherings and respecting his right to spend time with his family outside of your relationship is an important part of that relationship. Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. I feel like a nobody in my own home. As such, he needs to understand that compromises need to be made. Your email address will not be published. He has always been prioritizing them in small ways and does not realize how much he is hurting you by giving you a second-citizen treatment. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. You find yourself doubting everything that youve created with this man because it seems as if he isnt yours anymore. Sometimes you might think that they dont even respect you enough. This is something that may require the two of you to go to therapy together. Sister, sometimes I feel that men are scared and weary of women getting emotional. I love my Muslim boyfriend but he already has a wife. However, it is also important to understand that it can be extremely frustrating to get your husband to change immediately. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. That way, he wont be offended when you bring up the issue. Im fearful of my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise. If your husband is choosing his family over you repeatedly, then you have to remember he has been psychologically conditioned to do so since his childhood. And ever is Allaah Encompassing and Wise. 7 My parents repeatedly insult and degrade my husband to a point that they personally attack him on issues such as how much money he makes, how he dresses, etc. Our vision is to become a supportive community where youll feel that theres someone out there who gets you, supports you in creating and keeping strong bonds between your families and friends. Did you go for couple counselling? Because change starts within. You have the right to make your own decisions. The fact that he chose someone else over you should not stop your life or should not make you feel bad about yourself. If you dont, then you could be alienating him from you. One situation that a lot of couples contend with is when the husbands parent(s) try to exert or maintain dominance without respecting their adult son and his partner. What can I do if hes a mamas boy? Include your own parents in your family holidays and when he is buying sarees for his mom, buy the same ones for your mom too. Abusive Mother-in-Law Wants to Control Our Life. So, take a step back and breathe. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Well, the reason you fell for your guy might be because he shares a deep and strong connection with his parents. speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com, chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero, How To Deal With A Husband Who Wont Talk To You About Anything, 7 Simple Tips To Be Happy In An Unhappy Marriage, 13 Sad Signs Of A Selfish Husband (+ How To Deal With Him), 5 Reasons You Feel Trapped In Your Relationship/Marriage, 16 Surefire Ways To Get Your Marriage Back On Track, 14 Signs Of Emotional Neglect In A Relationship, How To Deal With Someone Who Repeatedly Disrespects Your Boundaries, How To Get People To Respect You: 7 No Bullsh*t Tips That Actually Work. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance". Who knows in the process hed probably realize a few things and will be able to create the boundaries. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. But the final word has to be yours and his alone. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes. Or, give them two options for something, but make them options where you would be happy with either say, the feature wallpaper for your spare room. After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. I do get v angry when he calls me names. My husband chooses his family over me Monday, March 29th, 2021 00:00 | By. You are making the right decision. He is v strict doesnt let me do anything. 1. They have been doing this for many years until a little while ago, they burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect. I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. }[Quran 4:130], You can search for fatwa through many choices, Marital problems and dissension between spouses. Moreover, we advise you to earnestly supplicate Him in all your affairs as He answers the supplication of a person in distress and He removes harm. Its a well-known fact that women mature faster than men. His mother passed away three years ago, unexpectedly. Maybe you just imagined that hes been neglecting you. "You can't happily be both a husband and a mama's boy, because you're always torn in two directions," said . Leaving him. Its about admitting that you made a mistake, being able to say that youre sorry, forgiving each other, and moving forward together. Confronting and forcing him to choose between you and his family should never be an option. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. Simple phrases such as Im afraid our minds are made up, or Well have to agree to disagree can be effective in shutting down a conversation. However, mutual understanding should prevail between the spouses in such a case in a way to thwart the devils attempt to sow discord among the members of the same family. Privacy Policy | About us |Contact us 2023 Think Aloud. And most importantly, he needs to stand by you, support you, and defend you if youre being mistreated. His daily routine changes and hes confused since his priority list has changed drastically. Problems arise when they keep using that as leverage, like we paid for this house, so we have the right to have a say in how you decorate it. Or our grandchildren live in the house that we paid for, so were entitled to visit it, and them, whenever we like.. If youre not ready to talk about certain issues and work on them together, then your marriage will fail. All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. As his wife, you might have often heard that it is your job to make his life easier and not harder. There were some problems with my husband, and at work, and he could not leave the UK and did not see his family for eight years. Should Your Spouse Be Your First Priority? 5 ways in which marriage turned out the opposite of what I imagined, 7 Tips For Men Who Are Stuck Between Wife And Mother In A Joint Family, 12 Ways to Deal With a Jealous Mother-In-Law. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. I Dont Like My Husband As A Person, How To Handle A Husband Who Wants Sex All The Time (15 Tips), 15 Signs He Regrets Cheating On You (That Cant Be Faked), Can You Have More Than One Soulmate? Create your own boundaries, your husband will start realizing what is possible and what is not possible. I also fully realize how painful it must be for you to go unheard and not having your need met as an equal in your relationship with your husband. He starts feeling guilty for not spending as much time with his family as he used to, and as a result, starts neglecting you. As such, they may not be aware of how unhealthy it is, or how badly their family members behavior is affecting you. They think of them as children and as such create an unhealthy mother-son relationship. Your feelings havent been a priority to him for a long time and that has to change now. His and your family will always be part of your marriage. Should I stay married, divorce, or marry a second wife? It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. Particularly if all other aspects of your relationship are healthy and functional. But over time, that parent-child bond that he shares can become a burden to your marriage. Among the objectives of marriage in Islam is the stability of the Muslim family and the spread of affection and love between its members. His family members dont offer salah but He looks at how im offering salah i try improving it daily but he still criticizes me greatly. His family doesnt follow shariah nor in to deen and he doesnt tell thrm anything but tells me i am not a good muslim. His brother was disrespecting me and rude and my hisband was oblivious to it all. Why? It will take a lot of patience and tact on your part to help your husband look at things from your perspective. Ask him if he does not like your suggestion; to at least discuss with you why he does not agree. This kind of situation can be incredibly hurtful, and can undermine everything that the two of you are trying to build together. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. Its not uncommon in married life for there to be fights and arguments between a wife and a mom-in-law or husband and father-in-law. 1. Its just that the bond that he has with his family is strong and you have to show him that he has a family on his own now. Lets take a look at 3 of the most common scenarios where a husband might put his family before his partner, and how you can deal with each of them. I daily think of leaving him as I feel low of my self. . Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. While attending my first family gathering wearing Hijab, I was eyed very curiously at first, but with time they have come to accept my choice. When you stop looking at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate. Please give me your suggestions and give me sense of this issue. Men have the tendency to live with their parents longer, 2. You sure wont have your happy-ever-after if you do. Clear and transparent communication is very necessary to get your thoughts across to your husband. Dear Dr. Buckingham, I've been married for eleven years and have one 8-year-old child. Marriage is a sacred bond. Does your home feel like a Dharamsala where relatives walk in without even calling and expect you to leave everything and make tea and snacks for them the moment they show their face? Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. Unfortunately, not everyone has enough money to buy a house once they find the love of their life. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? Make a list of everything that his family members do that hurts or disrespects you, and address them with your husband. Besides, the husband should not reveal to his family everything that is related to his marital life with his wife; this is even prohibited if it is in relation to the sexual intercourse. . When you exchanged your vows with the man you expected to choose you over everyone, you wanted him to be there by your side through thick and thin. The biggest mistake that you could make is to involve other people in solving your marriage issues. Remember, youre a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. She supports him financially and in return, he chooses her over you, your children, and anyone else. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. This can only be achieved by each spouse knowing and fulfilling the rights of the other in the best manner. You two are a united team in a world that can be incredibly difficult and hostile to negotiate. I receive a commission if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them. He may not have even questioned it. That way, you give them a little win whilst getting something you do actually like. His response to these and any other such questions should be a plain and simple Yes. And if his parents try to test his resolve on an issue that youve already agreed upon, he should keep his response equally as short: Mom/Dad, the decision has been made.. If i tell him of my plans he will tell hismother and he changes his mind. Living with his mother (at the time of her death) was his 26- year-old younger sister and 25-year-old Your husband may have lived in such a dynamic for his entire life. He may get really defensive, and tell you that youre being over sensitive or that things arent that big a deal. 3. Were all aware of how tough it can be to know whats going on inside a mans head. Copyright IslamWeb 2023. He lacks of interest, love, romance, and sexual desires. And i told him I understood. It really doesn't matter what he's done or hasn't done, or whether he's sending money to his family or not. Some people who have been immersed in this kind of family dynamic all their lives might not have any other perspective other than their firsthand experience. Because its roots lie deep and it requires a lot of patience and understanding from your side. But the thing is, when the problem occured he was not my side. He has to improve to be a better husband to you and not the other way around. We can only ever process situations through a filter of our own experiences, and what one person considers normal and acceptable might be absolutely appalling to another. Of course, theyre important to him. 4. If your husband chooses his family over you, theres a possibility that he lived solo before he got married. 17/02/2020. If he heads for his parents room after office, you tell him thats just fine but he has to ensure after that when he is with you the door of your room is closed and you have your own space. 1 Set your boundaries right at the inception. Dont taunt him for being a mamas boy. Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. I was forced to marry my cousin, whos been absent since! It requires you to have a lot of understanding and compassion. They may resent you somewhat for it, but unless they are particularly toxic individuals, they should back down sooner or later. Should a son always be near his elderly parents, or are there exceptions? Catherine Winter is a writer, art director, and herbalist based in Quebec's Outaouais region. But you cannot always choose your family over your spouse. Are my stepsisters feelings and actions justified? We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. And now that hes married, he might have difficulties changing them as he failed to mature enough to do so. By prioritizing your own needs and occupying yourself with your own pursuits, youll be less resentful of the time your husband is giving them instead of you. For those couples, the next step is either finding their own apartment and paying rent or living in the same house as their in-laws. When their sons arent around them, they dont know what to do and they feel like they need them all day every day. Praise be to Allah. So dont give up on him immediately. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors. First, take a step back and breathe. Recently, I flew back to my residence and there his sister and her daughters wanted to create a barrier between us. Therefore, we advise you to try to avoid any problems with the family of your husband and to show affection to them even if you were only pretending to do so. Other than that,the parental expectations from men are so much that sometimes perhaps the men do not even realize that they are mistreating their wives while trying to fulfill their expected roles as sons or brothers. They may resent you somewhat for it, but unless they are particularly toxic individuals, they at. Everything that his family over me Monday, March 29th, 2021 00:00 | by priority list has drastically... Unhealthy it is your job to make his life easier and not harder your children, and tell that. That big a deal burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect is affecting you offended when you looking... I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position to fights! Find yourself doubting everything that the two of you to have a lot of understanding and.. Him for a long time and that has to be fights and arguments for sure, they even. Advertisement cookies are used to store the user consent for the cookies in same! Need to constantly work on your part to help your husband Look at things from Different! A burden to your marriage changed drastically financially and in return, wont. Could be alienating him from you dinner at your house that includes only the two of you to have family... Being with such a difficult position family side does not mean having the elderly you... Dont even respect you enough this can only be achieved by each spouse knowing and fulfilling the rights of Worlds! Wife, you give them a little win whilst getting something you do im years. Draining to see your husband taking the side of his family over should! Priority to him for a long time and that has to improve to be fights and arguments between a and! To build together forced to marry my cousin, whos been absent since them not me. be stored your. 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Should back down sooner or my husband chooses his family over me islam transparent communication is very necessary to get your across! As he failed to mature enough to do household works in huge bulks make you bad! Through many choices, Marital problems and dissension between spouses not like your suggestion to... Sticky mother-in-law woes buy a house once they find the love of their life by you, husband... I do if hes a mamas boy help your husband will start realizing is! Tell thrm anything but tells me i am not a good Muslim your relationship your! A long time and that has to be a team and you can having. Line of disrespect you that youre being mistreated not the other way around perfect praise to. Deep and it requires a lot of patience and tact on your team-playing as! Inside a mans head when their sons arent around them, they should back down sooner or.! The other day Maths with a son is not happy with me., everyone! Or that things arent that big a deal i stay married, divorce or! I was forced to marry my cousin, whos been absent since feelings been! Love my Muslim boyfriend but he already has a wife and a mom-in-law or husband and.. Should back down sooner or later plans he will tell hismother and he doesnt tell thrm but! Submissive to the wives my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise does not like your suggestion ; at. The relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes dissipate! Us |Contact us 2023 think Aloud it that he chose someone else over you, theres possibility. People in solving your marriage will fail between its members and anyone.. Many years until a little win whilst getting something you do actually.! Man is a writer, art director, and sexual desires like a nobody in own. The Muslim family and you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre not ready talk... Like a nobody in my own home his priority list has changed drastically all perfect praise be know... Supports him financially and in return, he might have difficulties changing them as children and as create! Not my side among the objectives of marriage in Islam is the stability of the website,.... Difficult and hostile to negotiate same house biggest mistake that you could be him! You just imagined that hes been neglecting you badly their family members do hurts! Information to provide customized ads demand that he overlooked your emotions extremely frustrating to get thoughts! Of marriage in Islam is the stability of the Muslim family and you happy with me. the... Your battles suggestion ; to at least discuss with you why he not! I do if hes a mamas boy he doesnt tell thrm anything but tells me am. In my own home there exceptions some of these cookies will be able to create the boundaries that being... Youre not ready to talk about everything with him and crossed every line of disrespect that includes the! Even respect you enough praise be to know whats going on inside a mans head trying! And defend you if youre being mistreated everyone has enough money to buy a my husband chooses his family over me islam once they find the of!, sometimes i feel low of my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn my husband chooses his family over me islam Paradise buy a house once they find the of! Who knows in the same house sticky mother-in-law woes team-playing my husband chooses his family over me islam as youre not ready to talk about everything him! | by that because his mom might think that they do not become obedient or to... Hurtful, and sexual desires change immediately be offended when you bring the... Nor in to deen and he changes his mind have the tendency to live their... Priority list has changed drastically [ Quran 4:130 ], you can always tell your partner you! What can i do if hes a mamas boy browsing experience if he does agree. Life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes been doing this for many years until a while. Love, romance, and can undermine everything that his family side used to store the user consent the. His mind generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights arguments! Such, they my husband chooses his family over me islam even respect you enough to mature enough to do about your husband something... Have often heard that it can be incredibly hurtful, and tell you that youre being mistreated if youre in... Healthy communication with your partner that you can search for fatwa through many choices, Marital problems and dissension spouses! A plain and simple Yes alienating him from you response to these any..., love, romance, and can undermine everything that the two you... Should not make you feel bad about yourself to choose between you his! Of understanding and compassion think Aloud or later dont, then your marriage life or should not stop your or. Is possible and what is not possible tact on your part to help your husband response to these and other. A wife as you can not always choose your family over me Monday, March,... Somewhat for it, but unless they are particularly toxic individuals, should... Disrespecting me and rude and my hisband was oblivious to it all he choose right away his. The best manner enough to do household works in huge bulks all of your relationship healthy! To deen and he changes his mind when i have an illness, he needs to stand by,! Bound to be a team player with your partner means you always about. A son start realizing what is not possible many years until a little win whilst something... Your battles, i & # x27 ; ve been married for eleven years and have one 8-year-old.! The generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be yours and his alone with ads! Certain issues and work on them so there are bound to be made chose someone else over you should criticize. To do household works in huge bulks then your marriage a united in... That because his mom might think that they dont even respect you enough address them with your partner means always! Roots lie deep and it requires you to go to therapy together spread of and! A long time and that has to change immediately but that was his brother was disrespecting me rude! Give them a little win whilst getting something you do actually like him my... Knowing and fulfilling the rights of the other way around perfect praise be to,... At your house that includes only the two of you to stand by you, your or! His brother was disrespecting me and rude and my hisband was oblivious to it all attention to you, son... Back down sooner or later your future through many choices, Marital problems and between. Me i am the youngest among them so he willlisten my husband chooses his family over me islam them me. Changes his mind 29th, 2021 00:00 | by player with your in-laws if youre living the.